Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Humiliation

Does everyone feel the same thing when humiliated? The skin tingles as a kind of condition alternate to tears, maybe, which would just seal the deal entirely. Tears of anger, tears of relief, tears of joy. These are all excluded by the sensation of humiliation.

When you anticipate every possible response but the one you get. When you realize you said or did the very wrong thing, and that there is no way that you can take it back because you actually did mean it, but you wish you could because you didn't know then what you know now. Your character was revealed.

Maybe it's just what we're all meant to feel in the face of alpha-dogs. It keeps the head up temporarily as you slowly back down and away. Maybe it's just one of those atavistic things which are the cost of modern living, where alpha-beta is sublimated and packaged for personal consumption, and pills are issued for balance. I haven't found my niche yet. By definition I'm a social clod.

I ride very high on my own thoughts and feelings now and then. I establish myself in my own certainties. And then I realize, sometimes, my mistakes, my misreadings of myself, how utterly obtuse I can be. It's pretty humiliating. Especially when I'm downright wrong about something, or misread myself spectacularly, or manage to hurt thoughtlessly, or . . .

But I do intend to soldier on. I doubt I'm as right as I sometimes think I am. Especially when it comes to points of style or even grammar. Especially when it comes to the particulars. But with a broad brush, I think I know what I'm saying. It does hurt, though, to be humiliated, by having gone too far. And I apologize, gentle reader, for when I go too far. As you might imagine, it's a familiar enough feeling. I can be that insensitive. That enclosed and numb. That dumb. I intend no harm.

I do recognize the sensation as prelude to depression, and I'm not about to descend there yet again. So I do apologize, but I'm not giving up this time. Nope, not giving up.

2 comments:

The Grid said...

Spot on. Nice to know girls aren't the only ones capable of feeling. :P

Lex said...

nice job - you made me cry :)