Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Humiliation

Does everyone feel the same thing when humiliated? The skin tingles as a kind of condition alternate to tears, maybe, which would just seal the deal entirely. Tears of anger, tears of relief, tears of joy. These are all excluded by the sensation of humiliation.

When you anticipate every possible response but the one you get. When you realize you said or did the very wrong thing, and that there is no way that you can take it back because you actually did mean it, but you wish you could because you didn't know then what you know now. Your character was revealed.

Maybe it's just what we're all meant to feel in the face of alpha-dogs. It keeps the head up temporarily as you slowly back down and away. Maybe it's just one of those atavistic things which are the cost of modern living, where alpha-beta is sublimated and packaged for personal consumption, and pills are issued for balance. I haven't found my niche yet. By definition I'm a social clod.

I ride very high on my own thoughts and feelings now and then. I establish myself in my own certainties. And then I realize, sometimes, my mistakes, my misreadings of myself, how utterly obtuse I can be. It's pretty humiliating. Especially when I'm downright wrong about something, or misread myself spectacularly, or manage to hurt thoughtlessly, or . . .

But I do intend to soldier on. I doubt I'm as right as I sometimes think I am. Especially when it comes to points of style or even grammar. Especially when it comes to the particulars. But with a broad brush, I think I know what I'm saying. It does hurt, though, to be humiliated, by having gone too far. And I apologize, gentle reader, for when I go too far. As you might imagine, it's a familiar enough feeling. I can be that insensitive. That enclosed and numb. That dumb. I intend no harm.

I do recognize the sensation as prelude to depression, and I'm not about to descend there yet again. So I do apologize, but I'm not giving up this time. Nope, not giving up.

19 comments:

Ingrid said...

Spot on. Nice to know girls aren't the only ones capable of feeling. :P

Lex said...

nice job - you made me cry :)

Anonymous said...

Its like you read my mind! You seem to know a lot about this, like
you wrote the book in it or something. I
think that you could do with some pics to drive the message
home a little bit, but instead of that, this is
magnificent blog. A great read. I will definitely
be back.

Anonymous said...

Ηello Thеre. I discovered your weblog սsing msn. That is an extremelу smartly written articlе.
I will be sure tо bookmark it and come back to read extra
of your helpful inf᧐. Thank you for the post. I'll certainly return.
hop over to tһese guys : How To Lock Files The Planet Usіng Јust Yoսr Blog

Anonymous said...

Hi to every body, it's my first go to see of
this weblog; this web site carries remarkable and actually fine
information for readers.

Anonymous said...

Write more, thats all I have to say. Literally, it seems as though you relied on the video to
make your point. You obviously know what youre talking about, why waste your intelligence on just
posting videos to your site when you could be giving us something informative to read?

Anonymous said...

I don't even understand how I ended up right here, however I thought this publish used to be
good. I don't recognise who you might be however definitely
you are going to a famous blogger if you happen to are not already.
Cheers!

Anonymous said...

Every weekend i used to go to see this web page, because i want enjoyment, as this this website conations truly nice funny information too.

Anonymous said...

WOW just what I was looking for. Came here by searching for ATM Network Analyzers

Anonymous said...

Excellent post. I was checking constantly this blog and I'm impressed!
Extremely helpful information specially the last part :) I
care for such information a lot. I was looking
for this particular info for a very long time. Thank you and best of luck.

Anonymous said...

When some one searches for his necessary thing, therefore he/she
desires to be available that in detail, so that thing is maintained over here.

Anonymous said...

My brother recommended I may like this blog. He was once entirely right.
This put up truly made my day. You cann't consider just how a lot time I
had spent for this information! Thank you!

Anonymous said...

If you are going for most excellent contents like me, only pay a quick visit this web
page every day because it provides quality contents, thanks

Anonymous said...

Awesome article.

Anonymous said...

I have read so many articles regarding the blogger lovers except this paragraph is truly a nice paragraph, keep it up.

Anonymous said...

Hi there! Someone in my Facebook group shared this website with us so I came to take a look.

I'm definitely loving the information. I'm book-marking and will be tweeting this to my followers!
Excellent blog and superb design and style.

Anonymous said...

I am genuinely glad to glance at this weblog
posts which consists of tons of helpful information, thanks for providing such data.

Anonymous said...

What's up, all the time i used to check website posts here early in the daylight, for
the reason that i enjoy to learn more and more.

Anonymous said...

I do not even understand how I stopped up right here,
however I believed this put up was great. I don't
understand who you might be however definitely you are going to a famous blogger if you happen to are not already.
Cheers!