Wednesday, December 30, 2009

An Impossible Thread

You know, I have no idea how to continue on this thread I started, which has been leading to a kind of skepticism about skepticism. I've had a clot to my lungs which I suppose might have killed me. I have no real advice about what to do to prevent such things in the future, except for taking extreme prophylactic measures which would seem mostly to promote a kind of perpetual ducking for cover, as though the sky were always about to fall.

Control, of course, is always an illusion, but I want some sense to random which isn't just a colossal shrug to the shoulders and a closing of the eyes to leap off any and all cliffs. Actually, I want to see the insights which properly do descend from Einstein's revolution, Kuhn's enlightenment about the structure of scientific revolutions, and the more recent PoMo instincts, to enter in to actual life in a way to make a difference.

No one but me will buy the connection among those three seemingly distinct clusters, perhaps. But, as Foucault surely would have noticed, they all rehearse the very same theme. But we live as though it were still the Nineteenth Century and all that was important was to make our horses run faster.

I just stood up to get another cup of coffee, conscious now of the need to move my legs more often, and while emptying my pockets remembered the recent raffle at Subversive Theatre. I tossed those worthless numbered tickets, just as I did the hyper lottery stub I bought for a lark the other day, reminded of how I feel when raffle winners are being called.

Is everyone in the audience straining in hope to win? I'm not, ever. I'm always straining against the sense of embarrassment if I were to win, just kind of hoping that my number won't come up since I won't know what to do or how to act. If it were easy enough to do, I'd probably buy tickets and then give them away so I could have my cake and eat it too. But you know, it's hard not to look at your ticket and see if you might have won something you actually want or need.

When the doctor let me go from the hospital yesterday, I didn't exactly laugh at the instructions, though I wanted to. Since my legs were clear of clots, there was no definitive evidence that the emboli started there. But since the genetic testing also doesn't show any propensity, I'm left with random.

Now I can easily just chalk the whole thing up to the strangeness of my recent circumstance. Why worry about something happening again when you're right in the midst of free fall - at the top of a months' long arc of leaving a job, leaving a geography, selling a house, dumping a life's full of accumulation, radically shifting around in patterns of exercise and socialization. Why even pay any attention at all?

So here's another really bizarre factoid: I actually, for just a moment, have the largest cash balance in my bank account of my entire life. Of course there are all sorts of current debts which will whittle it down to size pretty quickly. And in the end, it grants me maybe a few weeks of clear and free against the future.

I can't claim very much of it as due to my own diligent saving and planning. The fact is that without the help of friends and family, my cash position would be quite negative, but I banked the proceeds from the sale of my house yesterday, right after getting a hair cut in extravagant self-indulgence upon release from the hospital. I wanted to look just a bit different from the way I felt; the way I knew I looked.

Of course the house sold for several tens of thousands below its demonstrable worth, and a few tens of thousands more below its actual replacement value. The commissions and fees I paid out were unconscionable on the face of them, premised on the tidy fiction of incredibly rising values from back when there was always plenty of wealth to spread around. And most of the contents of my bank account can be attributed directly to emergency funds generated from one or another hospitalization in my past.

So, there's a cup half-full/half-empty problem here of major proportions. No-one would argue for success as a definition of my life's trajectory. The very fact that I've never had this much money "in my pocket" argues pretty clearly for failure. But still, there you have it, and yet truly I never have felt quite so vulnerable. Especially up against what this hospitalization would have cost had I allowed the health insurance to lapse like good financial planning might have dictated. Like I really wanted to. I'd be in debt for a literal eternity, preferring in my mind to leave a note for congress instead of a 911 call to get an ambulance. You see, I'm also on the wrong side of any definition for "charity case" and so the debt would go right against my personal balance sheet.

I mean, come on I've got an Ivy education, lots of important and at least moderately well paying jobs in my past, and this is all I've got to show for it? What a schmuck! What a pikk! What a whatever the proper disparaging term is.

(Just a bit of oversharing here - too much information, TMI - I had to take a break for my first homecoming dump and to inject myself with some more blood thinners. Now where was I???)

Schlump? Slacker? Lazy ass?

I don't know. My buddy in the ER investigated serious and fatal auto accidents for the Buffalo Police department, and then got "retired" himself for having been hit by a drunk driver. His settlement allowed him to buy toys and move to the prosperous suburbs away from my his original West Side story. But he considers that all stupid, and the context where he was raised to be the happy one. Hit again and whiplashed, he landed next to me and in some sense might be considered to have quite a few more health issues than I do, but he's going home to wife and kids and cars and flush bank account. He seems a lot happier than me too! Well, whatever happy is. I have a harder time flirting with all the nurses.

Depending on how I look at it, I can panic that I'm about beyond my means to extend my indecision. Pay the credit card companies, a few more months' health insurance, rent, and I'm way deja underwater all over again. I wouldn't exactly go out and sign a loan for a new car now, like I would if I were employed.

But you know, it's ground zero all the time. There's never any certainty. That guy who tried to blow up the plane in Detroit was, of course, from the very best of families in his homeland. Did Chairman Mao come from the slums? I mean, what happens to "special" people when they figure out they're not? How far is it from balanced to self-exploding nutjob anyhow when you first uncover the dissonance between the fiction and the real?

We all know that we surf the pleasant illusion that even though today my doctor really can't tell me what to do to avoid clots in the future, just maybe tomorrow he will be able to add a whole arsenal of genetic tweaks to make my body run just like a well-oiled machine.

Bullshit! Pardon my English, but really folks that day is never coming. There's always a boundary between you and the context you dwell in, but there's also no way to place it with any real precision. Truing is the process of matching yourself against who you might be, I suppose, and then going for the best one. And there's no machining which can make a better you. You have to do it yourself from the inside. My roomie in the hospital and I agreed absolutely on that one.

Well, I've gotta go and get my blood tested so that they can set the right viscosity or something. I walk around now in a kind of confidence that for a moment I'm not going to thow another clot. I might bleed out into my brain, or eat the wrong vegetables, but you know there's always someone out to get you.

We live in a sea of metaphor, and the only really smart ones are like Rain Man who just sadly died yesterday. He could recall facts at will, read thousands upon thousands of books at a glance, one eye per page which would have made the Kindle damned inefficient for him. But he couldn't make sense of single metaphor, which must have meant that he couldn't make sense of anything at all.

I'm happier here being the full-on ironic me. The one just to the side of myself, never quite convinced of the one other people might be seeing. Or do I have that just backwards? What the hell? What's the difference? I'm all one. You take care of the machinery, Doc, and I'll go on being me. I mean, for so long as I can.

Matches, matches for sale!! Two for one, get your matches here.





106 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am really impressed with your writing skills as well as with
the structure in your weblog. Is that this a paid topic or did you customize it your self?

Either way stay up the excellent quality writing, it's uncommon to see a great
weblog like this one nowadays..

Anonymous said...

I believe this is one of the most significant info for me.
And i am satisfied reading your article. However should commentary on some
normal things, The web site style is perfect, the articles is really excellent :
D. Excellent task, cheers

Anonymous said...

Your style is really unique compared to other folks I have read stuff from.
Many thanks for posting when you have the opportunity, Guess I will just book mark this
blog.

Anonymous said...

Hey there! This is my first visit to your blog! We are a team
of volunteers and starting a new project
in a community in the same niche. Your blog provided
us valuable information to work on. You have done a wonderful job!

Anonymous said...

Keep this going please, great job!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your personal marvelous posting! I actually enjoyed reading it, you're a great author.
I will always bookmark your blog and will come back sometime soon. I want to encourage continue your great writing, have a nice morning!

Anonymous said...

I like the helpful info you provide in your articles.
I will bookmark your weblog and check again here regularly.
I am quite certain I'll learn plenty of new stuff right here!

Good luck for the next!

Anonymous said...

Wow! At last I got a weblog from where I be capable of really take
useful data regarding my study and knowledge.

Anonymous said...

Saved as a favorite, I like your blog!

Anonymous said...

I got this web page from my buddy who told me concerning this web site and at the moment this time I am visiting this website and reading very informative articles or reviews at this time.

Anonymous said...

Write more, thats all I have to say. Literally, it seems as though you relied on the video to make
your point. You obviously know what youre talking about, why throw away your intelligence on just posting videos to
your blog when you could be giving us something informative to read?

Anonymous said...

Wow, incredible blog structure! How long have you been blogging for?
you made blogging glance easy. The whole look of your website is great, let
alone the content material!

Anonymous said...

I blog quite often and I seriously appreciate your content.

Your article has really peaked my interest.
I am going to take a note of your site and keep
checking for new information about once a week. I subscribed to your Feed too.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I truly appreciate your efforts
and I will be waiting for your next post thanks once again.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your personal marvelous posting! I genuinely enjoyed reading it, you happen to be a great author.I will be sure to bookmark your
blog and will come back someday. I want to encourage you to ultimately continue your great job, have a nice holiday weekend!

Anonymous said...

Highly descriptive article, I liked that a lot.
Will there be a part 2?

Anonymous said...

I have been exploring for a little for any high quality articles
or weblog posts in this kind of area . Exploring in Yahoo I finally stumbled upon this
site. Studying this info So i am satisfied to convey that I've a very good uncanny feeling I came upon exactly what
I needed. I most for sure will make sure to do not put out of your mind this web site and give it a glance on a continuing basis.

Anonymous said...

all the time i used to read smaller posts that also clear
their motive, and that is also happening with this article which I am reading at this time.

Anonymous said...

Way cool! Some extremely valid points! I appreciate
you penning this write-up and also the rest of the website is very good.

Anonymous said...

These are genuinely enormous ideas in about blogging.
You have touched some good points here. Any way keep up wrinting.

Anonymous said...

WOW just what I was looking for. Came here by searching for search engine gains

Anonymous said...

Inspiring quest there. What happened after? Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Remarkable! Its in fact remarkable piece of writing, I
have got much clear idea regarding from this post.

Anonymous said...

Hello! Do you know if they make any plugins to assist with SEO?
I'm trying to get my blog to rank for some targeted keywords
but I'm not seeing very good gains. If you know of any please share.
Cheers!

Anonymous said...

Peculiar article, totally what I needed.

Anonymous said...

It's very simple to find out any topic on web as compared to books,
as I found this post at this web site.

Anonymous said...

This post is truly a pleasant one it assists new the web
viewers, who are wishing for blogging.

Anonymous said...

naturally like your web-site however you need to test the spelling on several of your posts.

A number of them are rife with spelling problems and I find it very troublesome to inform the truth on the other hand I will definitely come again again.

Anonymous said...

Great delivery. Solid arguments. Keep up the great effort.

Anonymous said...

Saved as a favorite, I really like your website!

Anonymous said...

I needed to thank you for this great read!! I certainly enjoyed
every bit of it. I've got you bookmarked to look at new stuff you post…

Anonymous said...

I enjoy, result in I discovered just what I was looking for.
You have ended my four day lengthy hunt! God Bless you man. Have a
nice day. Bye

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your personal marvelous posting! I really enjoyed reading it, you
could be a great author.I will be sure to bookmark your blog
and will come back very soon. I want to encourage you
to continue your great writing, have a nice day!

Anonymous said...

An intriguing discussion is definitely worth comment.
There's no doubt that that you should write more on this subject matter, it might not be a taboo subject but generally
folks don't speak about these subjects. To the next! Many thanks!!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for finally writing about >"An Impossible Thread" <Loved it!

Anonymous said...

Remarkable issues here. I am very glad to peer your post.
Thanks a lot and I'm having a look forward to touch you.

Will you please drop me a mail?

Anonymous said...

I used to be able to find good advice from your blog posts.

Anonymous said...

Hello there I am so grateful I found your blog, I really found you by accident, while I
was searching on Askjeeve for something else, Regardless I am here now and would just like to say thanks for a tremendous post and a all round entertaining blog (I also
love the theme/design), I don’t have time to browse it all at the minute but I have bookmarked it and also added in your RSS feeds,
so when I have time I will be back to read a lot more, Please
do keep up the superb work.

Anonymous said...

I absolutely love your blog and find almost all of your post's to be
what precisely I'm looking for. Would you offer guest writers to write content in your case?
I wouldn't mind producing a post or elaborating on many of the subjects you write in relation to here.

Again, awesome weblog!

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure where you're getting your info, but great topic.
I needs to spend some time learning more or understanding more.
Thanks for wonderful info I was looking for this information for my mission.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your personal marvelous posting! I truly enjoyed reading
it, you are a great author.I will make certain to bookmark your blog and may come back sometime soon. I
want to encourage you to definitely continue your great writing, have
a nice afternoon!

Anonymous said...

Hi, yeah this post is actually pleasant and I have learned
lot of things from it regarding blogging. thanks.

Anonymous said...

hi!,I really like your writing so so much!
percentage we communicate more approximately your article on AOL?
I require an expert in this space to unravel my problem.
Maybe that's you! Looking forward to look you.

Anonymous said...

I think this is among the most vital information for me.
And i am glad reading your article. But wanna remark
on few general things, The web site style is great, the articles is really excellent
: D. Good job, cheers

Anonymous said...

I loved as much as you will receive carried out right
here. The sketch is attractive, your authored subject matter stylish.
nonetheless, you command get bought an shakiness over that you wish
be delivering the following. unwell unquestionably come further formerly again since exactly the same nearly a lot often inside case
you shield this hike.

Anonymous said...

Hello to all, because I am truly eager of reading this weblog's post to
be updated daily. It includes fastidious data.

Anonymous said...

Great web site you've got here.. It's hard to find excellent writing like yours nowadays.
I honestly appreciate people like you! Take care!!

Anonymous said...

Hello there, You have done a fantastic job. I'll certainly digg it and personally suggest to my friends.
I'm sure they'll be benefited from this website.

Anonymous said...

hey there and thank you for your information – I've definitely picked up anything new from right here.
I did however expertise a few technical issues using this website, since I experienced to reload the site
a lot of times previous to I could get it to load properly.
I had been wondering if your web host is OK? Not that I am complaining,
but sluggish loading instances times will often affect your placement in google and could damage your quality score if advertising
and marketing with Adwords. Anyway I am adding this RSS to my email
and could look out for a lot more of your respective fascinating content.
Make sure you update this again soon.

Anonymous said...

I enjoy what you guys tend to be up too. Such clever work and exposure!
Keep up the excellent works guys I've included you guys to my own blogroll.

Anonymous said...

Howdy! I just would like to give you a huge thumbs up for the
excellent information you've got here on this post.
I will be returning to your website for more soon.

Anonymous said...

Wow that was unusual. I just wrote an really long
comment but after I clicked submit my comment didn't show up.
Grrrr... well I'm not writing all that over again. Anyhow, just wanted to say excellent blog!

Anonymous said...

Very nice article, exactly what I wanted to find.

Anonymous said...

Hi there! Do you use Twitter? I'd like to follow you if that would be ok.
I'm undoubtedly enjoying your blog and look forward to new
updates.

Anonymous said...

It's hard to find well-informed people in this particular topic, but you seem like you know what you're
talking about! Thanks

Anonymous said...

Aw, this was an exceptionally nice post. Taking a few minutes
and actual effort to make a top notch article… but what can I say… I procrastinate a whole lot and never seem to get nearly anything
done.

Anonymous said...

I am really inspired along with your writing talents and also with the structure for your blog.
Is that this a paid topic or did you modify it yourself?
Anyway stay up the nice quality writing, it's uncommon to see a nice blog like this one nowadays..

Anonymous said...

Definitely believe that which you stated. Your favorite reason appeared to be on the web the simplest thing
to be aware of. I say to you, I certainly get annoyed while people consider worries that they plainly do not know about.
You managed to hit the nail upon the top and defined out the whole thing without having side effect , people could take a signal.
Will likely be back to get more. Thanks

Anonymous said...

Hi! I realize this is sort of off-topic however I needed to ask.
Does operating a well-established blog such as yours take
a massive amount work? I am brand new to blogging but I do
write in my diary every day. I'd like to start a blog so I can easily share my
own experience and feelings online. Please let me know if you have any suggestions or
tips for brand new aspiring blog owners.
Thankyou!

Anonymous said...

What's up colleagues, nice paragraph and pleasant arguments
commented here, I am genuinely enjoying by these.

Anonymous said...

WOW just what I was looking for. Came here by searching for online store offering

Anonymous said...

Woah! I'm really loving the template/theme of this website.

It's simple, yet effective. A lot of times it's very hard to get that "perfect balance" between user friendliness and visual
appearance. I must say you have done a superb job with this.
Additionally, the blog loads extremely quick for
me on Chrome. Exceptional Blog!

Anonymous said...

Saved as a favorite, I love your web site!

Anonymous said...

I blog often and I seriously thank you for your
content. The article has truly peaked my interest. I am going to take a note of your blog and keep checking for new details
about once per week. I subscribed to your RSS feed as well.

Anonymous said...

Howdy! This is kind of off topic but I need some guidance from an established blog.

Is it very hard to set up your own blog? I'm not very techincal but I can figure things out pretty fast.
I'm thinking about setting up my own but I'm not sure where to begin. Do you have any ideas or suggestions?
Many thanks

Anonymous said...

I'm extremely impressed along with your writing abilities as smartly as with the structure to your weblog.
Is this a paid theme or did you customize it your self? Either way stay up the nice quality writing, it's rare to look a
great weblog like this one nowadays..

Anonymous said...

Keep on working, great job!

Anonymous said...

Howdy! I simply wish to give you a big thumbs up for your great
info you've got right here on this post. I'll be coming back to your blog for
more soon.

Anonymous said...

Hey I know this is off topic but I was wondering if you knew of any widgets I could add to my blog that automatically tweet
my newest twitter updates. I've been looking for a plug-in like this for quite some
time and was hoping maybe you would have some experience with something like this.
Please let me know if you run into anything. I truly enjoy reading your blog and I look forward to
your new updates.

Anonymous said...

It's amazing to pay a visit this web page and reading the views of all friends
about this paragraph, while I am also zealous of getting knowledge.

Anonymous said...

I needed to thank you for this wonderful read!!
I certainly loved every little bit of it. I've got you saved as a favorite to look at new things you post…

Anonymous said...

I was recommended this website by my cousin. I am not sure whether this post is written by him as nobody else know
such detailed about my problem. You are wonderful! Thanks!

Anonymous said...

You really make it seem really easy together with your presentation but
I in finding this topic to be really one thing that I feel I would by no means understand.
It seems too complex and very vast for me. I am taking a look ahead to your next publish, I'll attempt to get the hold
of it!

Anonymous said...

you are truly a just right webmaster. The web site loading pace is incredible.
It kind of feels that you're doing any distinctive trick.
Furthermore, The contents are masterpiece. you've performed a magnificent job on this
matter!

Anonymous said...

Thank you, I have recently been looking for information about this topic
for a while and yours is the greatest I've
found out till now. However, what in regards to the conclusion? Are you
positive about the supply?

Anonymous said...

Terrific article! This is the type of information that are meant to be shared
across the internet. Disgrace on Google for no longer positioning this post
higher! Come on over and seek advice from my website
. Thanks =)

Anonymous said...

Right here is the perfect web site for everyone who really wants to find out about this topic.

You know so much its almost hard to argue with you (not that
I personally would want to…HaHa). You definitely put a new spin on a
topic that has been discussed for many years. Great stuff,
just great!

Anonymous said...

Woah! I'm really enjoying the template/theme of this blog.
It's simple, yet effective. A lot of times it's challenging to get
that "perfect balance" between usability and appearance.
I must say you have done a very good job with this.
Additionally, the blog loads super fast for me on Safari.
Superb Blog!

Anonymous said...

This paragraph will assist the internet people for building up
new weblog or even a blog from start to end.

Anonymous said...

Very shortly this site will be famous amid all blog users,
due to it's fastidious posts

Anonymous said...

Hey there! Do you know if they make any plugins to safeguard against hackers?
I'm kinda paranoid about losing everything I've worked hard on. Any tips?

Anonymous said...

Nice post. I was checking constantly this blog and I'm impressed!
Extremely useful information specifically the last part :) I care for such info
much. I was looking for this certain info for a long time.
Thank you and good luck.

Anonymous said...

Hey just wanted to give you a brief heads up and let you know
a few of the pictures aren't loading correctly.
I'm not sure why but I think its a linking issue.
I've tried it in two different web browsers and both show the same results.

Anonymous said...

I'm amazed, I must say. Seldom do I come across a blog that's
both educative and engaging, and let me tell you,
you have hit the nail on the head. The issue is something which too
few folks are speaking intelligently about. Now i'm very happy that I stumbled across this during my hunt for something regarding this.

Anonymous said...

I absolutely love your site.. Great colors & theme.
Did you build this web site yourself? Please reply back as I'm hoping to create my very own site and want
to find out where you got this from or just what the theme is named.
Thank you!

Anonymous said...

each time i used to read smaller posts that also clear their motive,
and that is also happening with this paragraph which I am reading
now.

Anonymous said...

This design is incredible! You obviously know how to keep a
reader amused. Between your wit and your videos, I was almost moved to start my own blog
(well, almost...HaHa!) Wonderful job. I really enjoyed what you had to say, and more
than that, how you presented it. Too cool!

Anonymous said...

Have you ever thought about publishing an e-book or guest authoring on other sites?

I have a blog centered on the same ideas you discuss and would love to have you share some
stories/information. I know my subscribers would enjoy your work.
If you are even remotely interested, feel free to send me an e-mail.

Anonymous said...

For latest news you have to visit world wide web and on the web I found
this web page as a most excellent web page for latest updates.

Anonymous said...

My partner and I stumbled over here by a different web address and thought I might check things out.
I like what I see so i am just following you. Look forward to going over your web page yet again.

Anonymous said...

An impressive share! I have just forwarded this onto a colleague who had been conducting a little homework on this.
And he in fact bought me breakfast due to the fact that I stumbled upon it
for him... lol. So let me reword this.... Thank YOU
for the meal!! But yeah, thanks for spending time to discuss this
subject here on your website.

Anonymous said...

A motivating discussion is worth comment. There's no doubt that that you need to
write more on this subject matter, it may not be a taboo matter but typically
people don't talk about these subjects. To the next!

Kind regards!!

Anonymous said...

Because the admin of this website is working, no uncertainty very rapidly
it will be famous, due to its quality contents.

Anonymous said...

It's fantastic that you are getting ideas from this piece
of writing as well as from our argument made at this time.

Anonymous said...

Amazing! This blog looks just like my old one!
It's on a totally different topic but it has pretty much the same layout and design. Wonderful choice
of colors!

Anonymous said...

Wow that was odd. I just wrote an very long comment but
after I clicked submit my comment didn't show up. Grrrr...
well I'm not writing all that over again. Anyways,
just wanted to say superb blog!

Anonymous said...

This design is incredible! You most certainly know how to keep a reader entertained.

Between your wit and your videos, I was almost moved to start my own blog (well,
almost...HaHa!) Great job. I really enjoyed what you
had to say, and more than that, how you presented it. Too cool!

Anonymous said...

Attractive section of content. I simply stumbled upon your web site and in accession capital
to assert that I get actually enjoyed account your weblog posts.
Any way I will be subscribing for your feeds and
even I achievement you access constantly rapidly.

Anonymous said...

An interesting discussion is worth comment. I think that you
ought to write more on this topic, it may not be a taboo matter
but usually people don't speak about such issues. To the next!
Kind regards!!

Anonymous said...

Thankfulness to my father who shared with me on the
topic of this web site, this blog is in fact remarkable.

Anonymous said...

I like looking through a post that can make men and women think.
Also, thanks for allowing me to comment!

Anonymous said...

My brother recommended I might like this web site.
He was entirely right. This post truly made my day. You cann't imagine simply how much time I had spent for this info!
Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Hi, I do believe this is an excellent site. I stumbledupon it ;)
I may return once again since i have saved as a favorite it.
Money and freedom is the greatest way to change, may you be rich and
continue to help other people.

Anonymous said...

Hey I know this is off topic but I was wondering if you
knew of any widgets I could add to my blog that automatically tweet
my newest twitter updates. I've been looking for a plug-in like this for quite some time and was
hoping maybe you would have some experience with something like this.
Please let me know if you run into anything. I truly enjoy reading your blog and I look forward to your new updates.

Anonymous said...

At this time it seems like Expression Engine is the best blogging platform available right now.
(from what I've read) Is that what you are using on your blog?

Anonymous said...

Hello! I'm at work browsing your blog from my new apple iphone!
Just wanted to say I love reading through your blog and look forward to all
your posts! Carry on the excellent work!